Mrs. Sullivan Signs Executive Order Barring Entire Junior Class from Entering the Library
[The Thumb humbly requests that its readers pretend they are reading this before quarantine began]
In an unprecedented sweeping motion, GFA librarian Andrea Sullivan has officially banned the entire Class of 2021 from all sections of the library.
“I heard some raucous laughter from the talking section from that same group of junior boys,” explained Sullivan, “when it finally dawned on me: just toss them all! Lord knows these kids can peer pressure each other; why can’t they coerce each other to maintain a studious and intellectual atmosphere.”
The ban followed a ruckus caused when six junior boys set off two tables covered entirely in mousetraps. The ensuing revelry sparked a heated argument between Sullivan and the boys, beginning in a dramatic, vengeful exchange of monologues and escalating to a full medieval joust. In the end, Sullivan exerted her dominion by removing all offending members and their kind from the stacks of Greens Farms Academy.
The ban sparked the largest internal refugee crisis in the school’s history, with juniors unable to seek asylum from the embarrassment of the Common Room and the hostility of the Senior Hallway. “We have nowhere to go,” Class Representative Grant Goodrick advocated. “With rogue male factions in our grade already angered by the blocking of surviv.io and college stress beginning to settle into our lives, I’m worried this decision will gouge rifts of titanic proportions in the fabric of the Upper School.” Another classmate, Brian Greenspan, said, “This sucks.”
“I’m much more satisfied with the atmosphere with our library,” Sullivan said. “The far section of the library is now a collaborative space that facilitates the academic objectives of Wednesday FLEX, and the dutiful patrons of the Silent Saloon can now work in true peace and quiet. Why is there even a talking section of the library? It’s an oxymoron! This a place of concentration, not a Starbucks.”
This exacerbation of Librarian-Junior tensions thwarts several peacekeeping initiatives of the Student Council. Some in consideration included a door separating the loud and quiet sections, the construction of new social spaces, and telling the juniors to relax and wait their turn to occupy the hallway. Mr. Ward Abel and other representatives of the Global Studies department commented, “Tensions surrounding territory between ruling parties and invaders have been a central part of human history. However, no one predicted it would escalate this quickly in such an intimate setting. It saddens me that people would sink to such a low level to a point of full legal exclusion.” The comments were made in the Global Perspectives Room, which happens to be one of the nicest and most private rooms on campus.
Some juniors have been accepted into a pilot repentance program, where they can study in the library only if they keep a comically large wine cork in their mouths to stifle their voices.
