Judicial Council Under Stress as Multiple Students are Accused of Running Underground Gambling Ring
[The Thumb humbly requests that its readers pretend they are reading this before quarantine began]
In an unexpected turn of events, students were being pulled into teachers’ offices left right and center all day. As junior Ryan Audemard reported in an anonymous complaint, “three of my friends were pulled out of my economics class today, and I couldn’t finish my project analyzing historical gambling patterns”
In an interview with Andrew Jones, Thumb investigators discovered that teachers had been hearing students repeatedly saying ‘bet’ in the hallways, and finally decided to crack down. “This is ridiculous, students were told to read the source in the beginning of the year, which outlaws gambling on page 1,026. We chose to ignore it in the hopes that students would eventually stop, but now seemingly everyone is part of this ring. This behaviour will not be tolerated at GFA any longer.”
A teacher intervened in a conversation between students, stopping another naive underclassman from being lured into the illegal gambling ring. The teacher summarized the conversation for us, “the underclassman was talking about some activity he seemed to be interested in doing, and the older student said ‘bet’. Luckily I intervened before they could commit any illegal acts, but both students will be punished to the fullest extent of the law”
Thumb reporters managed to catch an anonymous Judicial Council member in the hallway, who, when asked for a statement, told reporters he was not allowed to release any information regarding ongoing investigations. However, he told reporters that the matter was being taken very seriously, and was considered the top priority, to be considered before any and all other things, including homework.
Students who expressed surprise when faced with the accusations were informed by GFA administration that they would be sent to a two week rehabilitation program to rid them of their gambling addiction.
Seventeen students stand accused as of yesterday afternoon. We feel obliged to inform our readers that students charged with this felony include four Thumb reporters, which may cause a minimal amount of articles being produced in the near future while this incredibly serious matter is resolved.
GFA Administration is reporting a bizarre turn of events: students leaving their interviews informed their interviewees they were not wearing any head covering, and that they were not gambling, saying “no cap, I’m not gambling”. Administration officials are unsure as to how students’ headwear has anything to do with gambling. We’ll have more updates soon.
